IT SEEMS THERE ARE MANY VERSIONS OF THE TRUTH OUT THERE. HOW CAN WE SEPARATE FACT FROM FICTION?

Growing up in the ancient of days like I did, you know with only one TV on in the house at a time and everyone watching the same thing (and having 5 channels to choose from!), we were used to voting on what we watched.

Of course, parent’s votes always carried much more punch than did the kid’s votes.

This resulted in enduring through documentaries and science discoveries and news programs from time to time. I couldn’t imagine why anyone would actually CHOOSE these programs. Not when The Dukes of Hazard was on the other channel.

Recently, though, we had a pretty good laugh in our home when the kids came in and asked what I was watching. Before realizing it I told them it was “this really interesting documentary about Salt Lake City in the 1940s.”

Their looks took me back immediately to my childhood and I knew exactly how they were feeling.

We all laughed as we realized that I had become old. Well, I guess they have known it for some time. Maybe the laughter was about the fact that I was now up to speed with the rest of them.

What changed?

Did they learn how to make documentaries or news programs more interesting in the last 30 years? Maybe.

But then wouldn’t my kids find them interesting too?

I think the change wasn’t in the programs so much as it was in me.

While grabbing something to eat, I will actually turn to the news channels first to see what is going on in the world. I’m interested now. I care about what decisions are being made, what changes are coming, what problems people are dealing with.

During times of breaking news I will switch to different news channels during commercials so that I don’t miss any information.

Have you ever tried that?

What is so interesting to me is often how different the coverage and spin is on the exact same news stories.

What one station will blare as breaking news the other station will not even be covering it. Or the blame lies squarely on one party, only to be shifted to the opposite party on a neighboring station.

Aren’t they reporting on the same story?

Maybe you’ve seen the commercial that has been on for years now about insurance. The person is quoting misinformation as if it is fact. When asked where she got her information, she replies “The Internet. Everyone knows that you can’t put anything that isn’t true on the Internet.”

There may have been a day when we thought that. Not so much anymore.

There are people who purposefully put much out there that is, at best misleading, and at worst direct lies.   

Depending on which station or newspaper you use really depends on what “truth” you are made aware of. It seems easier to find sources that support our perceptions and validate our opinions than it is to find a source that will simply and forthrightly tell the truth.

So, what do we do?

I feel that now more than ever before in the history of the world we have the responsibility to be educated and informed. There are many who depend on the masses being too busy and too tired to pay very close attention to what is going on. That leaves them free to quietly make changes in one area while others are focused on different things.

For example, Vladamir Putin was probably quite relieved to find the intense focus on the problems in Ukraine to shift immediately over to the missing Malaysian airplane.

Just because the news reports have shifted, doesn’t necessarily mean the problems have stopped.

How do we sift through it all and get down to the truth, the real truth?

I’m sure it sounds naïve and old fashioned, but that’s okay (remember my kids helped me understand that I am now officially “old”), but I only know of One source of pure truth.

While there isn’t a Heavenly news channel that we can just flip on as we have time and partially listen to as we are doing other things, there is a source that we can tune in to and know for ourselves.

I’ve discovered that there is genuine interest and help when I study things out and quietly take some time to talk it over with Someone I completely trust, Someone who knows, Someone who sees.

I’m sure I’ll make mistakes in my understanding and interpretations and get things wrong at times.

But I will also get it right sometimes.

Then I will understand, and I will see.

Don’t we all have the responsibility to open our eyes and see what is going on? Once we understand the truth of things, then we are prepared to act.

“Evil thrives when good men do nothing.”

I think evil has been thriving long enough.

We can actually know for ourselves what is right and what is wrong. It takes a lot of work and consistency. When we let our guards down we can get swept up with the tide pretty quickly. But maybe it being so hard to do is part of what makes it so important.

When each of us steps up and does our small but unique part, it is enough.

Together, we all see the truth, the real truth.

THERE ARE CAUSES TO FIGHT FOR, BUT WHAT IS THE BEST AMMUNITION?

Each year life seems to go a little faster, and faster, and faster. It’s a workout just to try to keep up with all that is going on around us.

Amid all the busyness and rush that we call life, things are also changing. Some things are changing gradually and almost imperceptibly; other changes come fast, quickly becoming permanent before we really have realized what hit us.

Of course, some of the changes are great and make life better for many. But there are also some changes that either creep in or zoom in that cause us concern about the direction things are going.

We really should do something about that, shouldn’t we?

But our day tomorrow is jam packed and even right now we are late and have to get going. We’ll come back to it later.

I wonder if we aren’t at the point that we don’t really have many “laters” to put things off to.

Each of us has things that we believe strongly in, things that we really want to either continue being a part of our lives or things that we want to become part of our lives.

Do we want them enough to fight for them?

I think if we don’t begin to fight for them, we will open our eyes one day and they will be gone.

But isn’t realizing that we need to fight only part of the problem? We need to figure out “how” to fight.

We’ve witnessed people across the country who, in the name of goodness and religion, have done some pretty hurtful things as they “fight” for what they feel is right.

Protesting funerals.

Bombing abortion clinics.

Attacking and tearing down the opposite side through interviews and publications.

When we fight this way, does anyone really win anything?

Would the better question be: What did I lose of myself through these actions?

We’ve been moved deeply by the scenes in Les Miserables of the barricade. The nobility of standing and fighting together. The righteous goals of making things better. The certainty that the other side is completely wrong.

But I think battles have changed over the years. Instead of one side being right and the other side wrong, we find that there are mistakes made on both sides and often each side has valid points to their argument.

There is truth and right. There is deceit and wrong. Unfortunately, people tend to mix the two in their actions and aims. 

Maybe a place to start would be to define the fight:

Why am I willing to fight for this? 

Who am I fighting?

Why are they in opposition to my view?

What would be an acceptable solution?

One thing about the barricade, it blocked our view of the other side. We couldn’t see faces or people or individuals. It was just “them”, and “they” are wrong.

But the barricades of the battles in our lifetime are mostly self-made and quickly fortified with only part of the truth. In most cases we don’t have all the necessary information. We make assumptions on the gaps and fill it in with what makes us look stronger.

So maybe in our arsenal we need truth. That places the responsibility squarely on our shoulders of what our sources of truth are. What and who are we choosing to trust?

I’ve thought about fights and wars and battles through time. The vast majority end with one victor and one clear loser. The “bad” guys have been squashed and trampled on and run out. They deserve it for being the “bad” guys.

How did the “bad” guys feel about this? Did it change their behavior? Did they somehow see the light and quickly change their mindset to now match that of their conquerors?

Very, very rarely.

Usually fighting this way only firms up the beliefs of the conquered and the fire smolders within them until another opportunity arises to attack.

And the fight goes on.

The truth is that for someone to make a change in his/her viewpoint, they are given the chance to see things for themselves and make their own decision about it. When it is their choice and decision, then true change will follow.   

How does that happen?

It starts when I tear down the barricade and actually look my opponent in the face. I take the time to learn about their troubles and things that are important to them. Suddenly they are people like me, just with a different vision.

How do we treat them to help them stop and listen to our position?

I think you get the drift of where this is headed. Kind of an oxymoron that the best ammunition in a battle where you want the other side to see the truth as you see it, is kindness, respect, and even love.

The only ammunition that has lasting impact is truth delivered through love.

Truth delivered through love.

Sounds like a win-win to me.

APATHY VS ANGER. WHY IS FEELING SO HARD?

I remember a trip to California several years ago with my family. We hadn’t been together in a while and wanted to make a memorable experience for all.

We took some time and went to Disneyland and the California theme park. Ann and I saw the roller coaster and thought it looked like fun. It was quite an experience: the anticipation of waiting while in long lines; watching people disembark the ride and seeing the looks on their faces; getting locked in our seats and feeling the car begin to move.

SWOOSH! It felt like G-force power as we were pinned against the seat back. We rocketed up and over and then back down again, side to side, high rises and dramatic drops.

We loved it! We made sure to ride it several more times that day. It was clearly my favorite ride of the whole park.

I’ve thought a lot about that as our life has taken its own roller coaster ride. Lots of ups and downs.

The understanding that there is “opposition in all things” is very precious to me. As the pendulum swings, it makes the good really, really incredible.

Of course, when the pendulum swings back the other way, it can get pretty rough.

Many of you have shared that you too have experience with mental illness, whether it is through a close family member or through intimate, personal understanding.

It’s quite a roller coaster ride, isn’t it?

The “ups” are pretty wonderful. I love feeling clear and focused and alive and able to do anything I put my mind to. Confident. Excited. Strong.

For me the problem is how to make it through the “lows”, because sometimes they get pretty low.

It’s strange how the littlest thing somehow sets off a raging bull inside my head. I am instantly angry.

No, I am instantly ANGRY!!!

Angry at everything, and yet really at nothing.

I work to just keep my mouth shut and stay away from others. I may not be able to stop the bull from charging inside, but I can stop it before it erupts from my mouth or my hands.

Being angry, though, is exhausting. It takes a lot of work to be furious. So I find that after a few days, I lapse into an apathetic truce.

Because when feeling hurts so much, it is much easier to just not feel at all.

Whoa. Did I really just say that?

Yes, I guess I did.

On what I call “survival” days, days when it is my job to make sure I am still alive when it is time for bed, I have found it easier to just get through and not really care about anything around me. I just kind of exist. 

But that’s a pretty dangerous place to retreat into.

Long ago I learned that the opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy.

Love is feeling intensely the will to make things better for either ourselves or others around us, to improve and grow and become.

The opposite of that would be to not feel at all. To feel nothing. To do nothing. To just exist.

Yikes, been there, done that.

So, how to swing that pendulum back the other way to the positive and building emotions that do so much good? How can I choose what I really FEEL?

Every human being has certain needs, certain things that must be included in this experience we call life.

Food. Water. Exercise. Knowledge.

But perhaps most important would be the need to be needed.

Each of us must know that there are other human beings on this planet who rely on us to fulfill some part of their day, no matter how small or insignificant.

We’ve all experienced that deep discouragement and almost hopelessness, only to find that the kind word and smile of someone brought us to tears – and let us FEEL. 

So, on those days when something in my head pushes the angry button, or the confused button, or the can’t-stop-crying button, or the fear button, or the self-destruct button, instead of retreating into myself and not feeling at all – perhaps it is the time to look outward and find someone else who may just need a kind smile.

Sure, my smile may look more like a leer on those days, but at least it helps me start to see what is going on around me. Others are struggling. Others are discouraged. Others are fighting their demons as well.

And you know what is really great?

When the person you smile at, smiles back.

Now we are both on our way to feeling again.

And that’s a good place to be. 

SHOULD A RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATION BE A DEMOCRACY?

With work already beginning at the grassroots level for the elections this November, we each have the responsibility to step up and be informed on what is happening in the primaries. We need to understand the direction and abilities of the candidates and cast informed votes.

This is where we have the most opportunity, and again responsibility, to make the changes in our government that we feel need to be made. Of course, there will always be changes that need to be made as government is made by men and women and run by men and women. Mistakes will happen, personal greed and hunger for power will get in the way, and radical segments will seek to take away the freedoms of others.

After all, it is a democracy where everyone gets to cast their vote and express their opinion. Generally, then, it is the consensus of the masses which forms the direction of the country.

I am struck with my jaw dropping at times, though, that people think it is the same process that should happen in a religious organization.

I suppose that if we see our religious organization as one made by men and women and run by men and women, then it would be logical to think that church policies and direction should also be democratic.

Of course, I can’t imagine caring that much about my religion if I felt that it was just another group of opinions and passionate feelings. If the group had conflicting policies with my personal belief system, I would simply leave. No one is forcing me to attend or be a part of it. I can certainly hunt around for a church that seemed to fit my personality better. If one couldn’t be found, then I could always start my own.

After all, I apparently believe that religion is no more than a social gathering of people who have similar thoughts.

If this were the case, then why would I spend time and energy “protesting and making demands” of existing religious organizations? One who does obviously doesn’t agree with all that this particular church professes as doctrine.

Why would I want to change it when there are so many people who do agree with it?

I guess a better question is what has suddenly made me superior, smarter, and better equipped to decide for all?

If we really think about it, it would remind us of a battle long ago where one stood and said he would decide for everyone what was best. Gratefully, Another stood and said that He would do the will of His Father.

I’ve always loved plan B.

When we take a sincere moment to think about it, isn’t that the example for each of us?

Is our religion and our faith based in man/woman-made precepts?

Or, do we deeply and fervently believe that our religion and faith is of God? That everyone has a place and a responsibility and we are acting under divine guidance and not just by general vote or consensus?

If we do, then wouldn’t it be incredibly pretentious and brazen of us to be “protesting and making demands” of something we believe is being guided and run by God?

We know of one who did exactly that. We know what happened to him.

If we are following his example and plan, and declaring that we know what is best, then I don’t think it is that far of a jump to realize just who we are following.

I don’t want to be under his power.

Do you?

The day will come when we witness the Second and Majestic Coming and the government will at last be under the direction of Heaven. Gone will be the stalemates and power mongering and arguments about what is the right thing to do. It will be better than we can even imagine.

Until then, we have the responsibility to stand up and try to promote what we feel is in the best interest of the country. We will vote and campaign and debate and compromise.

That is as it should be.

But I am so grateful that I don’t have to attack my religious beliefs with the same dogged determination to make sure it is being run correctly.

I know it is being run correctly.

I get to focus my energies then on learning and understanding and serving and loving. I get to be with people I trust and change the things about myself that block my happiness.

And I am so deeply grateful for it.

After all, no one is forcing me to stay. 

I am free to choose.   

 

COMPROMISE: WHEN DID IT BECOME A DIRTY WORD?

I’ve been watching closely the happenings in our nation’s capital over the past few years. I’m struck with the reporting of how people on each side have decided that compromise is a dirty word. The only acceptable solution is the solution that their party has; anything less would be a catastrophe.

The extremes in each party feel that to give in and try to meet in the middle on issues is like putting manure in your mouth, chewing and swallowing.

But they seem to relish the idea of having the other side going through the experience.

The liberals seem to think that the right-wing conservatives are bible-thumping, religious fanatics that make self-righteous judgments on everything. The far right looks at the far left as nothing less than lunatic, free-loving hippies who just want money to fall from the skies to pay for anything we may need.

I would bet that if someone searched, they could find members of both groups who actually fit these descriptions, validating the other side to be right in their characterizations.

That may only just prove that it isn’t hard to find idiots in all walks of life.  

But here we are in the United States of America. The home of the brave and the land of the free. Bring us your tired, your poor…

You know how it goes. Everyone is welcome. We love diversity.

But if you are on the left, just don’t bring us your right-wing conservatives.

If you are on the right, just don’t bring us your left-wing liberals.

There isn’t room here for them.

We can’t seem to wrap our heads around the fact that this country belongs just as much to one side of the aisle as it does to the other. No one is going to ever be able to have every law and every court decision support their ideologies. It is physically and literally impossible.

So is the solution to stop working with each other?

According to many news stories, that was exactly the solution put forward by an extreme. Don’t compromise. Block anything “they” bring up and put forward. We must hold out for it to be “our” way, because “our” way is the “right” way.

Sounds a little like the Israelis and the Palestinians. With the world looking on, the question is asked over and over “Why can’t they just learn to live together in peace?”

Time to look in the mirror. Are we heading for a similar fate? Are we getting so angry that we forget the virtues of love, compassion, and compromise?

Compromise is not a dirty word. When it comes to making laws and finding solutions, we live in a democracy where it is a consensus of the masses and we find the middle ground. Each extreme will NEVER get what they really want by that definition. It would seem ridiculous for laws to be enacted that are only supported by 20% of the population.

Right?

The more we can get to know each other and learn to work together, identifying what the real problem is, and for heaven’s sake leaving the need to gain power through the process out, but simply trying to find the “best” solution, the more we will move forward and get out of this stall we seem to be in.

And there are people out there, on both sides, who are doing just that. They are bravely meeting and talking and working with others at the risk and threat of the extremes to primary them out of a job or ostracize them from any future committees.

Here is the oxymoron: These are people who aren’t willing to compromise in the areas that it matters. They are not willing to compromise their character and commitment to serve the American people.

Because they are not willing to compromise on who they are, deep inside, as an individual, they have the freedom to find compromises that bring the best solutions for the public at large.

I’ve been watching. They are there.

At first, I thought I’d name some of these hard working, uncompromising people making compromises. I have found them in both parties.

But then I thought, no, I won’t name them.

Why don’t you look for them yourself and find people who fit that description?

Chances are our lists won’t match each other’s. You will find the good in people that I may miss.

Because isn’t that our job in a republic? Pay enough attention to what is going on that we know who the people are who share our ideals, our direction, our solutions?

Rather than arguing with each other about who is doing a great job and who should be fired, why don’t we look to support those we find to be uncompromising in their character, in their dedication, in their ability to step back and see the big picture that this country is, in fact, all of ours.

Let’s be uncompromising in our efforts to find ways to live together, with tolerance and respect, and understanding that when we work together, all focused in the same direction, we will more often than not, find the “right” way.

WHAT MAKES SOMEONE HARD TO LOVE? WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT?

What makes someone easy to love? What makes someone hard to love? 

Which am I?

I’ve prayed for my Ann and our kids for many years now. I ache at the life we don’t live because of me. I keep telling Ann that she should ask for a refund. She just smiles and says “It is what it is.”

What does that say about Ann?

A lot.

So often we spend time worrying about the way we think things should be. I know that I do. By this point I was going to be a big wig with a fantastic salary and we would have the freedom to go and do whatever we wanted.

That was the plan.

That is not at all the way things have worked out.

So, what is Ann saying when she smiles at me and tells me “It is what it is”?

Is she being complacent? Has she given up and resigned herself to a difficult life?

No.

She is saying “Let’s take what we have and build from there.”

This little equation works really well when all parties involved have thrown their entire hand in and are giving it everything they have.

But what if not everyone is willing to abandon the safety of self and will only give a portion?

I’m afraid that this is more of the norm; the entire team going for broke the exception.

What do you do when it is simply hard to love someone who doesn’t seem to reciprocate?

Being the question asker that I am, I think there are some important thoughts to understand before moving on:

Why have I chosen to love this person?

What is the cause of their reticence?

How hard are they working to overcome that which prevents them from loving me completely?

Do I love them enough to keep going anyway?

I would imagine that each person reading this would have different answers to these questions. That is as it should be. Love is individual and unique and deeply personal.

There are many things that could make it more difficult to love someone.

I know that it is hard to love a person with mental illness. Our reality is so different from what the rest of the world deems “normal.” I find myself telling Ann that I’m sure my way is the right way and what everyone else is doing is not “normal.” She just smiles in that way that tells me that I’m wrong but she loves me anyway.

Don’t you wonder why she loves me anyway?

I behave in ways that would make it hard to love me. Lots of drama and not enough support.

Yet, the power that heals me the most is her love. The love that I don’t deserve, but I really, really need.

Knowing that, it changes how I see her. I’m now really interested in a few questions of my own:

Why have I chosen to love her?

How does she need to receive my expressions of love?

What do I need to change about my behavior that will make her life better?

Do I love her enough to keep going anyway?

And a miracle starts to take shape.

Part of my healing is putting my mental illness into perspective and learning to focus on what others around me need.

Maybe I only had half of the equation before. I knew that I needed her love to help me heal.

Now I know that I need to truly love her to help me heal the rest of the way.

So instead of each of us asking a different set of questions, now we can join hands and ask ourselves the same questions:

Why have we chosen to love each other?

Are we willing to fight with all we have to help this love continue to grow?

Is there anything that would make us stop?

Instead of there being one who is easy to love and one who is hard to love, now we have stepped over to the same side of the fence. We look outwardly in the same direction. It may be a little easier for her to love me, the difficult one. And my capacity to love her, the easy one, has become a real power that changes how I behave and what I focus on.

Kind of simple, really.

We are being changed through love.

And now “It is what it is” is something that we can both say with a smile.

No regrets.

We know how to build from here, together.    

WHAT IF I DON’T WANT TO BE THE WAY I AM?

I’m one of those people who, after an experience with others is over, will take time to go back through the exchange and evaluate how things went. More often than not, I cringe at things I said or did and really want to call out for a “do-over.”  

Of course, it is too late.

Most people would find it pretty annoying to get a call from me where I tell them “Here is what I should have said.” They have moved on already. I probably need to too.

What are these little mannerisms or characteristics that scream for “do-overs”? They are things about me that I wish were different. It makes me wonder what is the composite picture of me that others see?

Really, what makes me, well, me?

I have things in my past that still haunt me and I would change in a second if it were only possible. Disloyalty. Gossiping. Judging. Rudeness. I can go on, but I’ll stop there to try to save a shred of dignity.

Chances are you can do the same thing. I won’t ask for your list if you are willing to gloss over mine and move on.

After kicking myself for the things I did, I always ask, “Why did I do that?” Am I stuck with these things that seem to make me, me?

I think everyone who knows me would agree that I can work on not gossiping. I have hope that I am not destined to be a gossip all my life. I can change what is coming naturally to me. I start by setting goals each day and keeping track of how many times I slip up and want to hear and share something juicy.

If over time the number of occurrences goes down, then that would have to be progress. Right?

Can I also train myself to take a breath and count to ten and really evaluate if my next action would be loyal or not? Yes, I absolutely can. It takes work, and I will fail more than I succeed at first, but I will begin to succeed. Over time, it can replace what I did naturally with what I have worked for and learned.

So far, you are most likely nodding your head and saying “Yeah, so?”

What if the thing I want to change about me is the same thing that is something that you really like about yourself and want to celebrate?

Somehow, then it becomes offensive. Others may feel that I am saying that it is a bad thing and they must change too. After all, if I can change…

Not so simple anymore. 

We live in a society where people seem to work hard at finding things to be offended and outraged at. Sometimes I wonder if we really do it to keep other people busy defending themselves so they don’t find things about us to be offended and outraged at.

Kind of a “beating them to the punch” principle.

However, people who live in glass houses…

I’m not a scientist or a doctor, but I have certainly experienced, for lack of a better word and in an attempt to keep it completely non-medical, “brain wiring” that makes feelings and impulses very, very real.

I think this brain wiring can cause all sorts of impulses.

Impulses of things that may take us out of the norm, impulses of things that could get us into trouble, impulses of things that we find great pleasure in, impulses of things that don’t fit into our vision of the life we want, and so on, and so on, and so on.

I know many people think that those in situations like these should just be a little tougher about it and get over it. After all, they don’t have a problem with these impulses.

I vehemently disagree. If your brain sends the signal over and over and over, it gets pretty hard to “just ignore it”.

Why are some people so hooked on gambling while others can walk through a casino and never put a nickel in a slot?

Why are some people able to understand quantum physics while others struggle with simple algebra?

Why do some people have the drive and determination to become an Olympic champion, while others are happy watching from the couch?

Why can some people drink alcohol and stop at will, while others simply have to have the whole bottle and then some?

Why is smoking appealing to some people and to others it is repulsive?

Why do some people feel such a need to travel and see the world and others are completely happy living in the same town all their lives?

Why do some people live monogamous lives very happily while others can’t seem to stop straying outside the relationship?

Why are some people sexually attracted to the opposite sex while others feel the same toward their own gender?

Why are some people filled with the most incredible artistic vision and create beauty, while others have a hard time telling the difference between finger painting and Picasso?

Why do some people see themselves walking into a lunchroom and shooting everyone in sight?

We don’t all have the same drives, the same wiring and connections, the same results. That is what makes the world such an interesting place where people are growing and learning and changing.

I think that we come with a pretty unique set of wiring that helps to make each one of us a unique, wonderful individual. DNA being so exclusive may help support that thought.

My “brain wiring” sends me messages that it is good to hurt others, it is mandatory that I hit my head, and that hallucinations are indeed real. That is part of what makes me, me.

Does that make me a bad person? I certainly don’t think so.

But after living with these things, I find that I don’t like them. I don’t want to be that way. In my opinion, if I acted on those brain signals, I think I would be doing bad things. It goes against my code of what is right and what is wrong.

What feels right to me is that I live with my family in a home where everyone feels safe and comfortable and happy.

I have the responsibility, then, to go against my wiring and do what certainly does not come naturally.

Do I have the choice to work towards that? I emphatically declare YES.

By that same logic, the gambler can seek a life away from the game, the quantum physics genius can try her hand at being a circus performer, the alcoholic can work towards sobriety, the Olympic champion is allowed to become a school teacher, the artist could study to become the quantum physicist, and on and on.

And the person with mental illness can try to live a life of peace and quiet. 

What would happen if all the psychiatrists and psychologists and doctors and experts in my area of the country decided it was best for society that they don’t help me accomplish what I want out of life, but that I had to accept that I was seriously mentally ill and I needed to always be on medication and my life would always be lived in a small parameter of experiences?

It’s certainly true that this scenario may be the only possibility for someone like me.  

Why on earth would they do something like that? Is it easier to say that we don’t have a choice? If we have no choice, then we can’t be held accountable for that choice.

I can’t help it.

Right?

Wrong.

We each have the responsibility to figure out what our wiring is, if it adds to our life or if it detracts from it, and then move forward with a plan.   

Please don’t misunderstand. There are some things we can’t eliminate from our lives, no matter how hard we work or wish. Wiring is wiring.

I will always have the wiring that I have.

It’s how I choose to respond to it where I find the freedom.

I want more out of life than what my “wiring” may dictate. I want to be in control. I want to choose what makes me, me.   

I am so grateful that the psychiatrists and psychologists and doctors and experts that I work with ask me what I want to accomplish, what direction I want to go. And they help me get there.

It’s hard though. It’s really, really hard.

I think that others may want to choose more than what their “wiring” may dictate. I think they may want to be in control. I think they may want to choose what makes them, them.  

But it’s hard isn’t it. It’s really, really hard.

Some are going to make it farther in gaining control over their wiring than others. Some aren’t going to seem to find much of a difference.

That’s okay. It’s not a contest between all of us. It’s not about who made the most progress.

It’s about how far you make it toward your own goal.

And the happiness that you find along the road.

CAN SAINTS AND SINNERS LIVE TOGETHER IN PEACE? WAIT, WHICH ONE AM I?

America. The land of opportunity and freedom. Unlike any other country in the world.

I consider it a true blessing to have been born here, to have grown up here, and to live here now. Even with reading all the reports and seeing all the news stories of life outside the United States, I don’t think I can really comprehend completely just how good it is to be here.

Sure, there are problems. There are some things that are breaking down. There are some things that are broken. And we must fix them.

Why?

Because this is a country unlike any other in the world.

We experience freedom; freedom that is fought for and defended in many ways. Soldiers have died, and others have probably wished they had died after going through what they have gone through.

The draft was in force when I turned 18. I remember my father saying that he prayed fervently that we would not go to war while I was of age. I didn’t really understand it until I had children of my own, but as a father, I understand that same fear.

Being involved in combat can only be described as incredibly hard – hard to leave home and fight, hard to survive, hard to try to come back, hard to continue on in life as a “regular” person.

I can’t imagine it. I simply can’t imagine how hard it would be.

While thinking about this, I have been struck lately with the formation of battlefields here within our own borders. These are battles not fought with bullets or missiles or drones. They are fought with words and ideas and beliefs.

I think that the damage from these wars on the home front can be, will be, greater than the horrific and bloody battles in foreign lands.

We aren’t just trying to kill each other’s bodies with bullets. We are trying to kill each other’s freedom with laws.

The pen really is mightier than the sword.  

Here is the reality: This is a country filled with people who are very different from each other. Different thoughts and ideas, different words and beliefs, different visions of just how America should be.

But, (and I think we find this hard to believe), it is just as much their country as it is mine; it is just as much mine as it is theirs.

So how do we figure out the way that everyone is afforded the right to worship or not worship according to their own deeply held beliefs? How do we encourage people to grow in all these different directions while keeping a set of laws that we all must follow that doesn’t stunt that growth?

Let the battle begin.

Choose your side. Dig in. Find out everything bad you can about the enemy, because that is exactly what they are: The Enemy. All hands on deck as we do our best to get rid of this nasty little element that thinks so differently.

What is interesting is that there can be people found on both sides who are thinking and behaving this way. Nobody is really an innocent bystander here.

Can saints and sinners live together? Well, maybe we need to clarify who are the saints and who are the sinners.

Again, I would think that each side would claim that of being right and the other side is clearly in the wrong. Righteous indignation at these close minded, bigoted, heathens who are destroying us.

Everybody step back and take a breath.  

Let’s define the sides:

What is a saint?

I’ve always been taught that a saint isn’t someone who is perfect and, well, dead. A saint is someone who is really trying hard to do their very best. Someone who lives in love rather than anger. Someone who is really focused on others rather than themselves.

I know many, many people who would qualify as a saint under that definition. They make my life better in countless ways.

What is a sinner?

Isn’t a sinner someone who isn’t perfect? Someone who has something that they still struggle with and haven’t overcome? Someone who is still working on changing and growing and becoming?

Put me down in this category, for sure. If we are honest with ourselves, we probably all fit really well here.

Wait a minute though. Can we only fit in one of the two categories? Do we somehow have to be either saint or sinner?

I know I am a sinner. But I am also working pretty hard at doing my best and being a loving person.

Can I be both?

Can there be many, many, many people out there who are both?

Kind of takes it from an “us and them” situation to more of a “we” situation, doesn’t it?

The things that I struggle with that put me in the sinner category are probably different than the things you struggle with. The things that I may be making some good headway in doing good, may be different than the things that you are sailing fast and strong in.

But there are things that “we” are working on and things “we” are doing pretty good in.

What if, and this is a pretty radical idea, I know, but what if I tried to learn from you the things that you are making progress on, and in turn, I shared what I could with you about things that make my life better?

What would happen to the battle lines and the rhetoric and the name calling and the mudslinging?

We might just find that we actually have time to sit down and, again, wait for it, talk to each other, and, yes, even listen to each other.

I’m sure I am naïve and don’t know all that is going on. I don’t think that I am the only one. Rather than let myself get whipped up in the mob mentality and grab my pitchfork as we get ready to storm the opposition, maybe I could see what I could actually find out.

Learn.

Understand.

I believe in religious freedom. I believe it is why this country came into being. It saddens me that so many are choosing to abandon religion and faith when I know that it brings me so much happiness.

But I’m pretty sure that you’re not going to be interested in learning about that happiness if all you can hear are the war cries from my side.

And it will be hard for me to stop and try to see things from your perspective if I’m ridiculed as a religious fanatic who needs to get into the 21^st century.

But I’m willing to try if you are.  

Because, it is OUR country, a country unlike any other in the world.

So, maybe it is worth taking a closer look at just what we are doing with this precious freedom each of us want so dearly.

In the name of freedom, are we actually putting ourselves in bondage?

Bondage to anger.

Bondage to fear.

Bondage to selfishness.  

If all of us are fighting for the right to live our religion and our faith, or, to just be kind and loving people but without a faith, don’t we have the responsibility to actually do it? 

DO I ACCEPT YOU, OR DO I RESPECT YOU? 

WHICH ALLOWS EACH OF US TO BE WHO WE ARE?

We live at a time when our lives are filled with advances in technology that make things much quicker and easier to get done. However, it seems to leave us more time to find things in each other that we don’t like. Of course, not everyone is angry with their neighbor. But if you listen to the media or read the latest articles it would seem that most of us are.  Or we feel that most of our neighbors are angry with us for some reason.

I hear 30 second spots with people saying things like “I want to be accepted for who I am”. The message seems to be that they feel like outcasts. Ostracized. Unloved.

No one wants to feel that way. Each of us has an inherent need to feel love in our life, both given outwardly and received inwardly. I consider it right up there with air to breathe in importance.

So, what’s making people feel that they aren’t accepted?

I guess that would make me wonder what the definition of “acceptance” is.  Dictionary.com provides the following:

1.                   The act of taking or receiving something offered.

2.                   Favorable reception; approval; favor.

3.                   The act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.

4.                   The fact of state of being accepted or acceptable.

The first definition makes me wonder if there is a group of people out there offering something that is being rejected. That one is probably pretty easy to answer.

If we open up our circle to include the world of politics, then I think we could nod our head and say firmly “yes” that something is being rejected. But people don’t seem to spend time feeling bad about it; in fact, just the opposite. It almost brings a power and strength to their cause if they are seen as the underdog. They are energized by the fight.  

It’s the second definition that seems to make more sense here. The message could be “If you don’t approve of me, you don’t accept me”. Maybe they are saying “I want others to see me as favorable, approve of who I am, and find favor in what I believe.”

We are probably pretty quick to say that we would accept a perfect stranger that we know nothing about. We have no reason not to accept them. We see them simply as that, a human being, just like us.

I think where the trouble starts is when “for who I am” is added.  “I want to be accepted for who I am.”

Now they are more than another human being who is just like us.

Now they are NOT just like us.

Now they are different.

Different can be good. Different can also be bad. Each of us has to figure out for ourselves what would make different go one way or the other.

Now that we understand that they are different, we see that a condition has been put on the desired acceptance and approval.

I don’t know if they intend this message, but what we seem to hear is “I want you to approve of the same things that I approve of about me that make me who I am.”

Well, now I guess that all depends. Who are you?

A little vulnerability is now required, soul bearing if you will. For example, if I want to be accepted for “who I am”, I certainly need to know “who I am”.   

There are probably countless facets and subtleties that work together to make up the general composite of who I am. Yet when I really think about it, there are probably just a few criteria that are truly important and that I would want to be identified by:

            Am I a good husband? Does my wife know that she is treasured and loved and valued?

Am I a good father? Do my children have the confident humility to move forward and make the difference in the world that they were meant to? Have I helped them to live to their potential?

Do those around me know for certain what I believe, what I value, what truths are woven into every fiber of my being, simply through their association with me? What do they know about me through watching me quietly live my life in their midst?

I think when it comes right down to it, these are the things that I would hope state who I am.

But of course other people are going to see more than that when they look at me. They not only are going to see who I am, but also what I do, how I think, what I say, which things I support, how I treat others, what I do in my spare time. They see how I choose to live my life. 

Knowing that others see more than I probably want them to see, I sat back and thought about whether I feel accepted or not accepted, based on the second definition from Dictionary.com.

Probably not.  

If I lay my political views out there, there will be some who accept but certainly some who do not. If I state emphatically my religious beliefs I am sure that some will agree and some surely will not.

In fact, there may not be a single aspect about me on which I could find universal acceptance. Someone out there may be offended by the way I take up too much air.

There will always be someone who will find me distasteful, not approve of my actions, and not be in favor of what I am trying to move forward.

Always.

Interestingly, it doesn’t really bother me.

So of course I asked myself my favorite question: Why?

Well, on the things that I am only familiar with and don’t have strong convictions on, I’m the first to admit that I probably don’t possess all the facts and I’m still learning. My opinions could very well change as I understand more. So it doesn’t really affect me that others would not approve of me. As I come to know more, I may not approve of myself under these conditions.  

On the other hand, things that I really feel strongly about or have rooted deeply within me, that’s different. I can look back in my life and remember when it really mattered to me if people agreed or disagreed, approved or not approved. But now when I really think about it, that doesn’t bother me very much either.

Am I a non-feeling hermit who doesn’t care about the world around me?

No. I actually care. A lot.

So, what happened that it doesn’t bother me now whether others approve or not? What changed?  

As I close my eyes and search my heart, I feel it’s pretty simple. I have become more at peace with my decisions and my choices. They are mine. I own them. I choose them. I want these things to be a part of who I am. Others certainly have the freedom and the right to disagree and disapprove; just as I can disagree and disapprove with things that are deeply important to them.

Whether or not you approve of me, or are going to say “I think what you are doing is wonderful”, makes really no difference on my decisions and choices. It may make them easier if you approve, but in the end it really won’t change what I choose.

Lack of approval doesn’t make me less of a person or somehow damage me. I know who I am. I have chosen to be who I am, what I am, how I am.

The things about me that I don’t approve of, I am working on. I am not a victim stuck with something inside me I can’t change.

For example, mental illness is something that I am wired with, but I don’t call myself a mentally ill person. It doesn’t define me. I can work every day to control and change my response to these mental urges and issues.

Because I want to be more than just that. I want to be a good husband, father, and neighbor, remember?  

So let’s ask our question again. What about the people who do not accept me for who I am? Let’s say they don’t approve of how I am trying to live with the mental illness.

I guess I need to divide up just “who” these people are. Are they strangers? Neighbors? Family? 

I’m probably not going to spend a lot of time worrying about what the strangers, or even neighbors, may think (of course, Ann would tell you with my obsessive compulsive nature that may not really be true, but you get the point). It doesn’t really matter what people outside my safe circle think.

My family’s opinion, however, does matter. I will admit that I did need the people I love the most to understand that this mental illness is actually something biological in my brain that is happening, and not me being in a very bad mood.

Or at least, I want it very badly.

Without that, I am not sure how I would continue on the fight. However, once I did have this acceptance of the people I cared about, then I found it much easier to not be concerned about other’s approval or favor.

So, let’s go back to that 30 second spot of the person asking to be accepted.

I wonder if the person isn’t asking all of society to approve and embrace his or her particular thoughts and actions?

I wonder if they really are asking those they love the most for approval, for acceptance?

Now, what happens when those we love the most then choose to not approve, not embrace, not receive with favor the things that we want to fill our life with?

Is this when we turn and seek that approval from society at large? Sort of grasping at a “second best” solution?  

Certainly those closest to us have the freedom, the right to approve or not approve. Everyone is on their own journey and we are all at different points in our learning and becoming. Remember, we have to choose for ourselves what makes different good or bad.

As I get older and fatter and balder, I’ve learned that I can absolutely love someone and love many, many things about them and not approve of particular things. They know my position and where I stand on these particular things. I don’t apologize or try to minimize issues that we disagree on. Part of me being me is being able to stand up and speak clearly the things that I feel to be true. It’s who I am.

But I also don’t attack or fight with them on the things that we disagree about every time we get together.

A long time ago I was taught that real love is being able to separate the behavior from the human being. I believe that is true. I know where they stand. They know where I stand. We understand each other.

Of course, if we really think about it, all of us have parts of ourselves that we don’t really like much. It doesn’t make a lot of sense that we should we then expect others to love everything about us, without exception, would it?

Maybe we are asking the wrong question. Maybe we need to change the word from acceptance to something like tolerance. Can you love me even though I have this or that about me that you don’t approve of?

My wife knows absolutely everything about me, every wart, every problem, every struggle. There’s a lot there to not approve of.  

But she loves me anyway. Truly loves me and wants to be with me.

Maybe a step farther than tolerance would be respect.  

Can you respect me even though you don’t approve of everything about me? Can you feel kindness toward me?

The reality is I can disagree with things you feel are important, just as I know that you can disagree with things that are deeply personal and vital to me.

Here’s a concept: Knowing we disagree, can we still work together? Build a friendship? Based on things we do agree on, can we develop genuine respect for each other?

Yes. I will say it firmly and with conviction. YES.

So, even though you don’t agree with me, don’t approve of some of the things that make me “me”, I would like to work with you on common ground projects. I would like to get to know you better and find things that I do like about you. I’m willing to bet that for most of us, we would find the number of things that we do like about others will always be more than the number of things we don’t particularly approve of.  

And I feel that regardless of that number, I choose to give you my respect.

So, do I accept you? Or, do I respect you? Which one allows each of us be “who we are”?